If I don't Fail, I Fail to Learn
One anxiety that has been difficult for me to kick has been about failure, specifically when it comes to schoolwork. I was homeschooled as a child, and so I never received grades until I got to college. It was a bit of an adjustment, but it wasn't too bad. The hard part was that I love my professors, and with some of my favorite professors I develop friendships. I then see my grades as a way of showing them I love their class, and that I appreciate them as teachers. It becomes difficult for me then, when I do poorly, or not as good as I would like to, because I feel like I have failed them. This translates into me thinking that when I have bad grades it means that I am a bad person. This past week was a experience to learning that what bad grades actually are is an opportunity to learn what I need to do better. If I don't fail, I don't learn.
This week I got a paper back in my German class, one of my favorite classes, with a less than perfect grade. The grade was not bad, mind you, just not what I wanted to get. After that first familiar sinking feeling in my stomach, the thought popped into my head, "If I wanted you to always be perfect I would have made you that way. This is simply how to learn to what you need to improve." I realized that without the critique on my paper, I could never get better. I would never know what I had been doing wrong, and I would never get any better. A failure to fail, mean that we never change.
In spring I took an anatomy class at BYU. This class is known as one of the hardest classes they teach, and it is basically a full time job. I was studying constantly, but when my first midterm rolled around, I got a 69%, the worst grade I had ever received in my school going career (remember, though, I have only been getting grades for about two years now). I was devastated, but I didn't want to give up. Every quiz after I would get so nervous I could barely think straight. One day, I was praying before a quiz trying to calm down, when I got the impression to talk to one of the other people in my section getting ready for the quiz. She was having a very difficult day, and I was able to help her. when we went in, I was no longer focused on how I was going to do, and I was able to do very well.
I realized several things in that moment. First, God does not care about the grade I get, and he won't help me with grades. I know that sounds weird, but He cares far more about my long term learning. If not doing well on a quiz is going to help me know how to learn better, He isn't going to shield me from that. So, if I study my best and use each graded opportunity as a learning experience, I will do far better, and I will be able to feel the Holy Spirit guiding me toward truth and growth.
Secondly, if we are focused on how we are going to do, we are going to miss a lot. Not only are we going to miss the opportunity to do better on a test, we are also going to miss the opportunity to help someone. One week right before the doors opened for us to take a quiz, I was talking to one of my friends. She had only had the opportunity to go over half of the new material, and didn't get the the part on nerves. They test us on two things from the new material every quiz, so she was worried. I told her two nerves that I really liked and ways to remember them, and then the doors opened. When we took the quiz, the only nerve they quizzed us on was one of the two nerves I taught her, and she was able to answer that question correctly. If I had been focused on simply cramming myself, I would not have had the opportunity to help my friend.
I still struggle with it sometimes, but I try to remember that God will never shelter me from bad experiences or failure if it will help me learn. When it says in the bible that "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth (Hebrews 12:6)" I think it means also that who the Lord loves he will not shelter from difficulties. I want to see very failure as a blessing and a way to learn.
This week I got a paper back in my German class, one of my favorite classes, with a less than perfect grade. The grade was not bad, mind you, just not what I wanted to get. After that first familiar sinking feeling in my stomach, the thought popped into my head, "If I wanted you to always be perfect I would have made you that way. This is simply how to learn to what you need to improve." I realized that without the critique on my paper, I could never get better. I would never know what I had been doing wrong, and I would never get any better. A failure to fail, mean that we never change.
In spring I took an anatomy class at BYU. This class is known as one of the hardest classes they teach, and it is basically a full time job. I was studying constantly, but when my first midterm rolled around, I got a 69%, the worst grade I had ever received in my school going career (remember, though, I have only been getting grades for about two years now). I was devastated, but I didn't want to give up. Every quiz after I would get so nervous I could barely think straight. One day, I was praying before a quiz trying to calm down, when I got the impression to talk to one of the other people in my section getting ready for the quiz. She was having a very difficult day, and I was able to help her. when we went in, I was no longer focused on how I was going to do, and I was able to do very well.
I realized several things in that moment. First, God does not care about the grade I get, and he won't help me with grades. I know that sounds weird, but He cares far more about my long term learning. If not doing well on a quiz is going to help me know how to learn better, He isn't going to shield me from that. So, if I study my best and use each graded opportunity as a learning experience, I will do far better, and I will be able to feel the Holy Spirit guiding me toward truth and growth.
Secondly, if we are focused on how we are going to do, we are going to miss a lot. Not only are we going to miss the opportunity to do better on a test, we are also going to miss the opportunity to help someone. One week right before the doors opened for us to take a quiz, I was talking to one of my friends. She had only had the opportunity to go over half of the new material, and didn't get the the part on nerves. They test us on two things from the new material every quiz, so she was worried. I told her two nerves that I really liked and ways to remember them, and then the doors opened. When we took the quiz, the only nerve they quizzed us on was one of the two nerves I taught her, and she was able to answer that question correctly. If I had been focused on simply cramming myself, I would not have had the opportunity to help my friend.
I still struggle with it sometimes, but I try to remember that God will never shelter me from bad experiences or failure if it will help me learn. When it says in the bible that "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth (Hebrews 12:6)" I think it means also that who the Lord loves he will not shelter from difficulties. I want to see very failure as a blessing and a way to learn.
This subject kept impressing on my heart, so I wrote a poem on it:
ReplyDeleteSometimes I want to refuse to do anything.
“If I risk nothing I can loose nothing” I think.
Trying and caring hurts too much.
Always, the Spirit will gently impress on me.
“God put you here to gain everything” He says.
I when I fail to fail, I fail to learn.