Comparison

When I am running, I have a very bad habit of comparing myself to the other runners. It comes from the self-conscious feeling that I am not good enough or dedicated enough to call myself a runner. My mom calls it impostor syndrome. Basically, I always feel like I am not "really" a runner unless I run more regularly, faster, or look like I'm doing a hard run. This, unfortunately, leads me to compare myself to the other runners I see on the trail with me, asking myself if they have been running longer than me, or if they are judging me for not going fast enough, or if they think that I am not wearing the proper clothing.

What is absolutely hilarious about this thought process is that I have no way of knowing where in their run the other person is, so there is no way I can legitimately compare myself to them. Maybe they don't look tired because they just started. Maybe they are faster than me because they are only running two miles. Maybe they are slow and tired because they are at the end of a 10 mile run. Maybe they are on short run, but they are recovering from a long illness and that is why they are tired. Maybe they just get red and sweaty early in their runs, but they can run 20+ miles regularly. Maybe it was a victory for them just to get out of the house that morning. I will never know, but I still insist on thinking I am better or worse than them on such a tiny snapshot in their lives because I am doing them same to myself. I think I am not good enough if I am not at my best constantly, and so everyone else has to be at their best constantly as well.

I don't want to be this way! I want to be able to be kind to myself because I have discovered that that is the only way that I can stop being so hard on other people. If I don't love myself, I don't love my neighbor. I have gotten better, but I still catch myself doing it constantly.

This is the same with life. We think we can judge ourselves and others by tiny snapshots in our lives. But, as anyone who runs long distances knows, a run is not defined by one mile. You might be dying one minute, but the next you feel like you can keep running for the rest of your life. In life we need to be patient with ourselves and others. Stop thinking that you are not good because of a snapshot in your life. All that is expected is your desires. If you are on that running trail you are a runner. If you want to be on the running trail you are a runner. Just as long as you keep trying to get there, you are a runner. As long as you are on the path back to God, you are a good person. As long as you want to be on that path, you are a good person, just keep trying to get there.

On a random side-note, Provo is sometimes a really nice place to be. While I was running, I past a car full of guys. They rolled down their window, and instead of catcalling me like I was expecting, they just shouted: "You can do it! Keep going!" Because they were commenting on what I was doing with my body instead of the way it looked, I felt empowered instead of demeaned.