Agoraphobia

 I haven’t written in a while. There has been a reason for that: I had some parts of myself that I was becoming aware of that I wasn’t ready to share with the world. Things I was keeping hidden because I didn’t know how to handle them myself, much less how I could expect others to react to them. Things that have been part of me for a while. But, recently, I decided to come out. I am queer. I currently identify as pansexual and non-binary, but as most people in the queer community understand, those labels are transient ways of explaining how my experience is different. When people talk about how “those labels aren’t the most important part about you” they don’t seem to understand that we get that. Those labels are a way of trying to build community and explain our experience, and nothing else. 

But I digress. As most of you know, I have picked a new name to go by: Jay. I chose this name, because it has deep meaning for me. A Jay is a type of butterfly, a beautiful black one with deep emerald spots. A new name for what I feel is finally coming into the fullness of who I am. 

Agoraphobia. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. It’s what keeps many people who struggle with panic disorder trapped, and I’ve had to fight against it for a long time. For me, it is a fear of going into public and being perceived. Being judged and found lacking. Have everyone able to see me out in the open and judge me. But hiding at home prevents me from having the good experiences as well. 

In a way, this was also what was keeping me in the closet. People judge. Everyone thinks their opinion needs to be heard on queerness. I was afraid of people saying things like “you’ve never felt that way” “that’s not how I’ve known you” or “you’re just following a trend” instead of seeing me for who I am. But in the end I realized that people will say these things, but that doesn’t mean they’re right. And hiding in the closet prevents me from the good experiences as well. From people being welcoming that I never expected to understand, people making an effort because they care, and people coming out to me in turn because my openness makes them feel safe.